Saturday, February 18, 2012

Heaviness and Hope

I know I haven't written in a while.  I've started at least a dozen blog posts since my last entry, but everything I write seems extremely insignificant compared to the heaviness I feel on my heart.  My brother passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago, and I feel such sadness for the loss of his life.  My sister put it best, though, that there was cause to morn for his life when he was still alive.  We knew he had his struggles.  He made his own decisions.  He never listened to reason.  Yet, he really loved his family as much as he could.

It's been so interesting to see how differently everyone in my family grieves.  They're so different from me.  I know they're protecting their hearts...like they've had to do for years when it comes to Gregg.  He hurt a lot of people.

On the day we found out that Gregg had died, I was reading the Psalms when this verse jumped out at me:    
"But as for me, I will sing about your power.  Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love.  For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress." Psalm 59:16 NLT

What a blessing to know that I don't have to mourn alone.  I am comforted at the thought that God is a refuge when my heart is troubled, and that God LOVES Gregg so much.  God's love is perfect for Gregg, even when my love for him wasn't.  

Every day gets a little easier.  I still feel like the wind's been knocked out of me...it's hard to catch my breath sometimes.  I'm anxious to hug my boys a little tighter, to really let my loved ones know how much I love them, and to cling to the happier memories I have of Gregg... his crazy laugh... the way he used to gush about my niece, Molly... his forgiveness when my husband backed into his car...how he'd sit back and just watch and laugh as the craziness ensued around him as he watched his 5 nieces and nephews fight, play, and cry... This is the Gregg I want to remember.   


If nothing else, I feel like my capacity for grace has grown.  My hope expanded.  A desire to really love people where they are has been ignited.

Rest in peace, Gregg!

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